#DawnofJustice OR Why you people suck more than this movie (Spoiler Alert)

Critics are a trollish and joyless bunch, the self appointed and self important, cultural canary in the coal mine. I rarely expect them to do more than provide an initial assessment, from which I derive little more than a heads-up. Sometimes my worst fears are confirmed. However, some of the art and artists themselves that I hold near and dear have been ridiculed and dismissed by the same lot who don’t understand how commendable and entertaining a task it can be to take a sharp stab at “weird”. Sometimes the melodrama causes you to laugh rather than pause. Sometimes the dialogue is not up to Shakespearian levels yes, but just remember the dialogue of an early Kevin Smith movie which reminds you how people really talk, or the ludicrous and amusing cool of a Tarantino flick that reminds you how you wish you could actually talk. This movie had problems yeah, it requires a suspension of disbelief that seems so basic you have to laugh at the gripes you have read. I sat through the Coen brothers last movie and wondered how they keep getting funding for the same movie. I enjoyed this years Oscar winning expose on the Bostonian search for truth amongst the pedophile practices of the American church culture. Neither brought me to the level of fun and joy this movie did. The experience. If you go to the theatre to watch Dawn of Justice, seeking answers on the big picture or the current state of political madness, you have already missed the boat. Read on if you care to join me, or sit on the dock and watch me give you the middle finger as we drift away.

  1. Luthor’s motivation has been called under examination in almost every negative review . How the hell do you not grasp the constant and obvious nature of the little turd with a mega-complex agenda? You can easily fault Eisenberg’s over the top and twitchy performance for sure. At times his mania seemed necessary amongst these stone cold bad asses piping up left and right. But at times his own “I wish I was Heath Ledger” baggage was the more obvious character on screen. I can’t stand him but that role is a career killing exercise in futility. Even the King of menacing and powerful creeps, the count of evil, Mr. President Frank Underwood was lost in the epic shadow of arguably the most iconic super villain of all time, barring The Big Guy in the clouds or his sandal wearing trust fund kid. Both of whom don’t fly or shoot lasers from their eyes.  As Luthor you have to make the audience roll over with anticipation and make them love/hate you, all the while pitting yourself against the most loved hero of all time. This movie is even the introduction of so many more story lines  working together. It’s lose/lose. It actually made me want to research who his agent is. He is the bizzaro Shia Lebouf that people are still putting up with.  Zombieland was great because he played an annoying asshole who makes it work and amuses the hell out of us as the story goes on. Nowadays he has nailed the asshole thing to a tee but stopped being anything that resembles interesting. Can we ship this guy to Krypton before the Republican party takes notice to how much of a flaming douche he is? #TrumpEisenberg2016
  2. Doomsday CGI. What did you people expect? Yes it doesn’t look real. But what does that look like? Please shoot me a reference point so I can roll my eyes at you, rolling yours. For f@cksakes people the Hulk has always been a ludicrous green marshmallow, stomping his way through mankind since Ferrigno hung up his hobo clothes and Kardashian tan. If you watched the Avengers and thought the metallic jet ski chumps flying through the city while Thor and Hulk did a p90 workout using the buildings, looked real, well you folks are dumber than half the set up movies for the actual Avengers.
  3. Length of the movie you say. You popcorn munching mouth breathers (sorry you movie critics for Vox and Huffpost probably smuggle in Kale for these events) wailing on and on about this “lesson in patience” have me on super giggle time mode. This is the failing of so many outside the bubble. I embrace and love all spectrums of the movie experience but I was left wondering what pacing you need to sustain attention for anything less than a “modern” take on Macbeth, or whatever shit (insert your fav director) lays out for us. Whomever edited this should in fact be tarred and feathered. I even tried to pay attention but unfortunately they were trying to set up Batman’s whole origin story in the credits so FML. But if you cant handle the length of a movie, all the while criticizing its monolithic storyline I got nothing for you.
  4. Cavill as a brooding bummer. I don’t get this. The “why can’t Superman be that all-American, unitard-wearing, cat-saving, “gosh gee Lois I don’t know what a handjob is”” guy crowd is why you will never get comic book adaptations. The moral struggle of so many of these superheros in BOTH universes is what makes them so interesting. Perhaps the reason the Netflix Daredevil has went over so well is the complex nature of the characters and the respect for canon (a whole other article I am afraid) while forging a new path for the age old hero. He saves children from sure death, delays impending doom and does so within earshot of every kid on the planet but you expect a never ending smile machine with a cow lick. I can’t handle serving the general public for a full week. I can’t imagine saving the planet daily would warrant anything less than a mild distate for the bullshit of mankind. If Superman existed AND if I ever met him, if he were to act like Christopher Reeve iteration, I would naturally assume he was on Xanax.
  5. Jeremy Irons is great. Like comic relief and the-father-Bruce-never-had good. All other incarnations of Alfred have been interesting takes on what projection the writer or director had of Alfred during that era. Irons is scene stealing strong and I can’t wait to see how this plays out in the new Batman cinematic universe. Less of a butler and more of a beacon of reason and hope in Batfleck’s “I’m pissed off and not going to take it anymore” style Batman. Dare I say sidekick?
  6. People don’t understand humour unless it’s force fed to them nowadays. Especially in the theatre. There is a sub plot where Batman immediately goes into batshit crazy batman mode and goes to save Clark Kent’s mom. He thunder humps everyone in the room with Frank Miller like force and pulls off the rescue in true badass fashion. As the action dies down, Affleck delivers one of the funniest lines of the movie at the perfect moment as he stares down at Martha Kent. Like a high school buddy who sneaks in the backyard to solicit his sons out for a night of partying he looks at her and explains “I am a friend of your son’s”. I laughed out loud and in amazement, alone. In a full theatre. The follow up line Martha delivers, which was the more obvious and deliberate joke, had the theatre in stitches. Now if anything the Avengers had over Dawn of Justice, one has to think it was in the volume of Joss Whedon’s smart ass wit.
  7. The Nuclear option. Seriously, I cant even defend any part of this. I shook my head and rubbed my temples at how lazy of a way to further the plot this was. There is a moment in Terminator: Rise of the Machines… the one that had the red leather clad lady chasing an aging Arnie, while Claire Danes and that twitchy greasebag actor they hired to replace Edward Furlong tried to pretend it wasn’t a rolling piece of garbage. There was a moment, where while fleeing to a bunker on a plane, Claire Danes explains her character learned how to fly one summer with her uncle or some shit. It was what Hollywood does all the time and it makes me want to beat an old woman with a young cat everytime I see it. Condensing a whole story into one sentence. That was the Nuclear scene and you would expect with this budget and that size of movie they could have written in something that didn’t make it seem like launching Nukes takes 37 seconds. Again do we want Trump to have that quick of a reaction time?
  8. Trailer manipulation. I have to admire the f@ckery that Synder and the promotion team used in hyping this movie up was commendable. Some of the scenes pieced together were from scenes so far removed from each other it was a brilliant. Makes you wonder why the couldn’t have applied that skill directly to setting up some plot points better.
  9. The joy of movies and seeing generational icons on screen. I am an Avenger and Marvel fan myself. But one thing DC will always have going for it, regardless of how haphazardly they set up this new universe is you Marvel fans will never gain the mass adoration of youth or the level of how ingrained Superman is on the collective psyche. Now I could give two damns if the new generation digs whatever anyone is doing. I am talking about something more. Like the scene that plays out in baseball diamonds and basketball courts around the world. Superman and even Batman will always be picked first. I never heard growing up “I’m Thor! Or I’m Antman”…if I did it was normally by the same kids who stuck stuff up their noses. You cannot match the godlike nature of DC characters. DC for lyfe.
  10. Batman kills, awesome. Nothing else to say really. For all Nolan’s brilliance. I always found the idea that a real and honest Batman would be doing anything less than putting a cap in yo ass.
  11. The major gripes, some ridiculous dialogue. Movie didn’t set up some major plot points well, thus egging on the ridicule of the professionally bored. You know that slow mo death sequence directors use once a movie. Snyder movies are 38% that moment and after a while you go cross eyed. Also why the hell was Wonder Womans logo and file green? Color code that shit properly Luthor you turd.
  12. On the way into the movie I heard these two kids and their dad, who were audibly excited, going in. I only noticed them because they were asking their father repeatedly who he thought would win and why.  I saw them again after the movie as I was typing this and I couldn’t believe the conversation was as such…”Dad, I can’t believe you fell asleep!” as he mumbled something about being sorry. Like how? Is this guy working clopens every day of the week. Forget it you didn’t dig the movie, how the hell do you fall asleep with that volume of noise going on. The unbridled joy of youth in their heroes is sadly being lost in my generation. Thankfully, it’s one of the beautiful constants of the younger generation. They keep heroes alive, while you fall asleep because your wife binge watched House of Cards and kept you up all night.
  13. The whole, how Batman and Superman stopped beating the shit out of each other movie climax could have been done better. But the way this manure pile of reviewers who scoffed at any connection these two would stumble upon during a moment in which Superman is pleading for his life (which by the way, suck it. Batman could kill Superman and it made sense and it was two, deep and sweaty breaths from Affleck’s perpetually five o clock shadowed face, from happening) is boggling. Did you expect a resolution based on these two sitting down after the shift, over chicken shawarma and a double hopped locally brewed IPA and talking like old timey gentlemen? It felt rushed but while a man is in a tank suit trading blows with an alien, I would think their hastily ended brouhaha wouldn’t cause you to shit your high pants.
  14. At its worst, it’s a sure fire look into why Hollywood sucks. That should have been two drawn out, character-not-action driven movies. It was crammed so tight with action it might as well been named “Madison” and on spring break. Most likely to set up the franchises and watch the $ pour in. It jumped around a lot and made me miss the frantic, shit your pants pacing of Nolan’s second Batman movie masterpiece, like when the Joker blows up the judge and you genuinely feel like things are spiralling out of control for Batman and Gotham. The upside is the childlike glee it has been inducing in so many people. The epic battle on a scale so foreign to a generation of bloggers and critics who grew up on the minimalist magic of a dude in a glorified dog suit and a some dudes with swords that made buzzing noises. The generation that has distilled happiness and expression to 160 characters is also the generation that brings us Mad Max style skull hammering of a movie that leaves you with a gambler’s sweat after the theatre. The scope has grown and it’s a sight to behold. That is if you don’t fall asleep first, you soulless bastard.17401_5

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